Angst Incomparable

I wish I'd never have asked.

Like always, I'm not exactly sure why I feel the need to type out my stupid angsty crap on here, but I really don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about stuff, so here it goes.

Normally I explain things thoroughly, but I can't really think about this too much right now.  My parents are arguing constantly, and I finally understand what's really going on.  The only reason my mother ever got with my father was for money.  I grew up thinking I was an only child, but I was mistaken.  I have a half-brother and a half-sister.  My mother married two other men before, had a kid with them for leverage, and left them with nothing.  She goes from guy to guy for money.  The only reason she's still with my father is because she can't get him to hit her or kick her out of the house, plus she had a hysterectomy just after I was born.

I exist as leverage, and nothing more.  Now that I'm the age I am, though, I'm nothing to my mother.  Not that I really ever was in the first place, but anyway, seeing as my life isn't really going anywhere, and I really don't feel like I have anyone to console in, I might as well not be here anymore.  I'm glad no one reads this, because some people might get concerned.  I really don't care.  People can think what they want, but whatever I want to do with my life is my choice and no one else's.

Today, my attitude has completely changed.  Right now, instead of depressed and hopeless, I'm pissed and aggressive, but I'm holding it in.  I'm not sure what exactly has pushed me to feel this way, but apparently something has, and badly.  I really just need to calm down, but I still have no good release, so I'm kind of just hoping to survive just long enough to find a release.  I wish I didn't feel like I can't talk to anyone about my problems without being a humungous burden on them, but I've gotten that way over the years.

I need help, but I won't let myself have it.  Wow, I'm finally getting like this and I'm 22.  Late bloomer, I guess.

For the normal person under normal circumstances with "normal" parents, having to move back in with your parents after having already moved away is hard enough, but imagine this:

• Your mother has no common sense, but pretends to know and understand everything.
• Your mother avoids any issue when she knows she'll have to admit to being wrong.
• Your mother has no compassion for anyone, including herself, and does whatever she wants to do behind other people's backs.
• Your mother, who has Hepatitis, just found out she has Diabetes as well.
• Your mother recently accused another man of "raping" her, and although charges were dropped because he claims to be her boyfriend, your mother will not talk about the issue with your father when asked.
• Your mother is full of double-standards.  For example, she demands to know where your father is at all times, but feels that she can run around when no one has a clue where she is all night long.
• Your mother is only with your father for the money.
• Your father keeps taking the abuse from your mother until he explodes, which happens once a week, on average.
• Your father feels the need to talk to you about all his problems, including sexual ones also regarding your mother.
• Your father will talk to you for over a half of an hour at a time about these problems, even when he knows you're obligated to be somewhere else.  By the way, he repeats his own words a lot.
• Your father just told you, who, at 22 years old, thought he was an only child his entire life, that you have a half-brother somewhere.
• You just had to sell your computer in order to stay somewhat afloat financially, and one of your sources of income is freelance web design.
• You were in a band, and the night you played your best show, the band, which was your only emotional outlet, just broke up.
• Because of all the stresses as of late, you start showing up extremely late to work a few days due to oversleeping, and as a result, get suspended for three days and are told that being late by one minute will result in immediate termination.
• You recently went from never really smoking or doing drugs and rarely drinking to doing all three "sometimes".
• Music, which used to be your only emotional outlet before the band you were in got together, now feels like work, and your only satisfaction musically anymore comes from playing shows.
• ... and so on.

I could keep going forever on this list, but you get the point.  I have so much stress and no release, and my life is quickly falling apart, no matter what I try to do to save it.  I'm trying to get another band together, but right now it doesn't seem very promising.